when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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