and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
