I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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