God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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