im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
