I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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