Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You made out with two different species that night
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
