my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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