no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
