please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
