I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
