My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
