So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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