He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
