the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
