This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
