Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
