I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
