Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
