i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
