Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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