the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
