I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
