He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
