You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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