Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
