So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
