Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
