Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
