she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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