Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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