Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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