apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
