I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
