pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
How external is "for external use only"?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
