I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
