Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
