Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
