textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
