I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
