i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
