Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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