how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
