just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
