Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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