Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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