my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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