i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
