Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
