Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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